I am writing to lodge a complaint.
It’s May. As in, school will be out in one month. So, as a somewhat whiny mother who has volunteered countless hours of her precious few days off in your classroom, I just want to know: can we slow it down a little?
I have sent my child to school every Monday with her homework folder completed, even if it meant waging battle with said child on both Saturday AND Sunday morning, before I was even adequately caffeinated. Show and Tell? For 26 weeks, we came up with an item to share with the class, something that starts with the Letter of the Week, even when the letter was X, and when the final letter item was stowed in the little backpack and I had breathed a sigh of relief that I wouldn’t have to use high levels of thinking anymore to help find age-appropriate show and tell items, you threw me a curve ball: now we’re sending sh*t that starts with a SOUND, like ‘th’ or ‘sh’. Well played, my friend. I didn’t see that coming. You know what starts with ‘wh’? Whiskey. You’re lucky I didn’t send in a poster board of inappropriate words that start with ‘sh’. Can we stop the Show and Tell madness? I’m tired.
And thanks ever so much for starting the new tradition–ONE MONTH OUT FROM THE END OF SCHOOL–of math homework every. night. Because it’s not hard enough to convince a squirrely six year old to go to bed when it’s still daylight…now I have to practically sit on her while yelling ‘you can’t play outside, you have HOMEWORK’ every weeknight. I’m not going to lie, I was hoping I could delay this nightly-homework-ritual for a few more years. It takes her approximately 27 seconds to complete the worksheet, once she starts. It takes upwards of 27 minutes to get her to sit down and start. I feel there are better ways I could be spending these 30 minutes every evening. Like drinking wine. OH WAIT. Math homework and wine drinking go hand in hand.
I’m almost done, I promise.
Just to remind you, we’ve done a lot for these kids this year. You’ve prepped fine, smart, almost-first-graders. I’ve sent endless cupcakes and paper cups and large boxes of Goldfish crackers to help keep your classroom running. I’ve sat in tiny plastic chairs and cut out large scarecrow body parts and Johnny Appleseed body parts and other paper body parts that were destined for the recycle bin before I even finished snipping them from the page. We’ve endured countless emails from the Room Mom regarding everything from volunteer schedules to field trip schedules to school auction donation schedules. I’ve sent my child dressed up for every theme you ever dreamed up, and trust me, there was a stretch near the beginning of the year when you had a theme for EVERY SINGLE FRIDAY. I want you to know, my standards are much lower than this. If my child shows up at school fully clothed, I’ve done my job. Bonus points if the clothing she’s wearing actually matches. An every-Friday-theme added a level of stress to my life I hadn’t stopped to consider prior to sending my child off to elementary school. I somehow missed the Farm Day theme and felt briefly guilty until my daughter asked me ‘what’s farm wear, anyway?’ But don’t worry, I made up for it on Silly Slipper Day and School Pride Day and Color War Day and even Camouflage Day. I hate camouflage. My grandmother bought her a $7 camo shirt from WalMart so she could wear it exactly once. You’re welcome.
I think what I’m saying here is that we’re all tired. The moms are tired. The kids just want to play outside all the damn time. YOU have to be tired. So feel free to slow it down. Together, we’ve raised 19 kids who can read and do simple addition and subtraction. They can mostly keep their mouths shut when they’re supposed to and, thanks to your handy classroom chart, they only use the bathroom four times a day. Call it a victory and let’s just coast thru this last month of school, shall we?